Mummy was relating to me the other day about 1 of my uncle feeling down cause he was sick. Not very sick but enough to get him into OT twice in span of months. He was not young but still active prior to this. And after his operations, he was asked to stay at home quitting his job and to forgo his weekly trips down town.
It was enough to make him down and his temper which was non existence till now took a turn for worst. He kept questioning why he was down with this kind of illness when all his life he did nothing evil.
The thing about this is the "Why Me" part.
Told mum that's life and nothing is fair in life. You can do nothing wrong in your whole life but also got hit by a certain illness or misfortune. There is no explanation for things that are sometimes fated.
The thing about us is we only tend to question " Why Me" in bad times but in good times, we just
accept the good fortune happily.
Take me for instance. When I first lost XB in 2012. I had thousands of these tots in me. Why is it that some women can have such easy pregnancy and I had to be part of the 15-20% of women who will miscarriage. I was careful all along yet it still happens.
Why is it that I yearn so much to have a child and it took us 3 years to conceive after multiple trips to TCM and hospital for check ups and finally we hit the jackpot one fine day.
But I stopped having these thinking one day when I realised there is no point questioning. There are many more couples who is still trying with no luck or going the even more harder way than us. We are consider lucky that we managed to conceive before doctor took us to a more advance step of medical help.
But when I realised I'm carrying twinnies, I didn't question "Why me". I accepted this blessing from god happily cause I thought god had took pity on me after waiting for 3 years and gave me 2 babies at one shot. I was still very careful in the pregnancy but was over the moon about having twins.
Then the incompetence cervix issue hit us at week 21 check up and the junior doc mentioned I might miscarriage. I was devastated. Well into my 2nd trimester which many told me its a honeymoon trimester and the safest of all, I was hit by this news. I was hysterical in the room. Begging the doctors to do whatever they can to help keep my babies.
The "why me" question hit me again. In the wake of the few days while I bed rest completely in hospital I questioned that why is it that I need faced this all over again. Even more scary is there is not enough studies on successful cases on how twins pregnancy can hold for IC cases. And most around me had not heard about IC till I was diagnosed with it.
Many was curious, sympathetic but some were skeptical about how serious my condition was. I was in a daze not knowing what's next and can only pray for the best. I went ahead with the cerclage surgery though doctors would not commit on the successful rate. The other option is to do nothing and ride it out but I was too chicken not to do anything. I need to do something that might be able to help my babies no matter what.
You know how scared I'm of needles? To go through surgery with half anaesthetic is a breakthrough for me. Never did I know I was this strong mentally till I faced the crossroads and took the chosen path. I took the leap of faith and went ahead with my heart when no one can give me any assurance of the future of us. I stop asking the "Why me" question and focus on being strong enough for my babies.
Even lying in bed all day worrying and feeling upset, I forced myself to eat well for the sake of them. I started to request mummy to cook extra food for me since hospital food sucks and I wanted extra nutrients for my twins. I would shamelessly request for snacks whenever my family is visiting me to make sure I don't go hungry. Even when mil cooked soups for me, I would accept it without 2nd thoughts of troubling her with all the travelling. This was how desperate I am to be strong for my babies. I don't give a damn about any other things and only focus on being well enough for them.
With this, we pulled through the week and was let home.
Nothing in this world can describe the feelings I have for the past 10wks of hospitalization leave at home trying my best to keep the babies still baking. Every 2 weeks we checked for their well being at the hospital and every follow up is a milestone passed.
I've learnt not to question too much on why I was subjected to this since every pregnancy is different and there are other women suffering in other form of risks. I've learnt to accept help from people be it family or friends who had so kindly offered their hands in times of need. I've learnt to throw every other thoughts out of the window and solely focus on my babies well being as the main priority.
Most importantly, I've learnt not to question why this happen to me and wallow in self pity but to instead count my blessings for everyday past.
This doesn't only apply to my situation. It can apply to any situation should you be able to find light in it no matter how dim the light is.
No comments:
Post a Comment