Dear XB 2017

Dear XB,

How are you? It's been 5 years since you are gone and I never failed to feel the pain on this very day I lost you 5 years ago. 

I dreamt of holding on to an older boy while bringing your brothers out for a shopping trip and I wondered is it that you came to my dreams to see us? The thing is I cannot recall your face in the dream. I can only remembered holding your hands tightly as we shop. This is the 1st time in 5 years I dreamt about you so clearly.

It's been a very busy day for mummy today. Trying to get through work and come home to your brothers.

Now that they are both sleeping and I have some quiet time to myself, I start to recall of how I lost you. The pain is still raw even with 5 years gone. The thought of having you with me had I not lost you pains me still. 

As I go through this motherhood journey with your brothers, I get reminded how we didn't have a chance to go through it together. It still pains me alot alot to know I will never know how motherhood is like with you and how you never know what it is to be in our household. 

But I want you to know that we love you alot alot. Not any less than your brothers though you are physically not here with us. I hope you know that you are dearly missed and had already found a good family to be reborn into and enjoy a good life ahead. 

I hope the prayers we arrange during every 7th month will let you have a smooth path ahead.

I do hope you are well where ever you are.

Always loving you,
Mummy