我怕

Results came back for my scan and things did not look that good since 1 of the polyp was growing faster than the 1 shrinking. 

With that, I decided it is time to face the much dreaded operation. Had promised Mr Love & myself that I would go for it should the results returned unfavourable despite going for TCM.

My heart sank to the bottom when the doctor told me my scan results and it further sank when she informed me of the risks involved though it is a consider a minor surgery. 

Really I did not know how many risks there are after she went through a check list. They say accidents happen in 3 out of 1000 surgeries and when that happens they would have to perform other emergency surgery without having to seek consent from my family. That, I would need to acknowledge when I agreed to go for the op. Her words are all swimming in my head and yet I cannot register most of it. 

I was blessed with great family, husband, friends and colleagues. People who are around me everyday gave their upmost support. Many waited anxiously for my results and send me comfort words when they knew the condition got worse. I really appreciate that since there is nothing else I can asked from these great people at this point of time. 

I cried a ton on the results day and went back to office the next day. All seems to be calm on the outside but I was scared, scared stiff of the surgery. The risks, the uncertainties and of course the non guarantee of me able to conceive after it. I was asking myself whether all would really be well after the surgery when the doctor cannot even promised me anything. Not to mentioned there is a small risk of it being a tumor to start with. I will still need face the biopsy results later on.

I lost sleep, lost appetite all over these and yet I cannot let it show. As much as possible, I would want to have a normal lifestyle till the surgery since it can be me worrying too much. But who wouldn't if you were in my shoes?

The wait is killing me but the thought of going for the surgery is equally scary. 

With that said, I am still trying my best to adjust back to my normal lifestyle.

Colleagues are especially helpful since they are with me most of my waking hours. I really appreciate your concern no matter how insignificant you think your actions are, I can feel your good will:)

Mr Love had it worst of all since he gotta bear with my tears, tantrums and unstable emotions. I can be still happily talking to him this minute but would sank into deep thoughts the next. I knew he wasn't having it easy too but really I cannot control myself. 

Seriously, I hoped that when I make an entry on this issue later it would be good news. Till then, please keep me in your prayers as I count down to the surgery in Jan.