September is over,Here comes October

In a blink of eyes, September flew past faster than I know. Its been 2 months since I lost XB, 1 month since I went back to work.I must admit. Things seems to be on track now.

I've been confirmed by my company even though I missed nearly 2/3 of my 3mths probation. Body is more or less recovered, since I have been going to Chinese Sinseh every sat and have been dilligently taking the prescribed medicine twice a day.

Sometimes, even I am impressed with myself. For the sake of getting my body into shape for the next blessing, I drowned down wat I presumed I would rather be sick den to drink medicine. All these, I hope will bear fruits eventually :)

Mentally, I knew I am getting better. Going to work does help. Toking & joking with my colleagues, getting busied over work makes me feel that I am back to the good old days. Though sometimes, just b4 falling aslp, I cannot help but to think of XB.

Another milestone is, I finally got ard meeting fwens. Huge step for me, as I am not sure initially how to handle the attention on my loss and how not to breakdown while relating the loss or even worse, try to act as if nothing had happened.

For the 1st time in months, I met up with partner, not a grp meeting but a 1on 1 meet up. I guess I had to start to re-assure my fwens that I am well now and not let them worried bout me even more. Though while relating to her on my loss, tears nearly flowed, but I think I can handle my emotions better now.

We caught up quite bit besides the loss, makes me miss the other 2 sisters. But then I am not ready to go out often. Preferred to come home after work as I am tired and would do some reading to realx my mind.

Hubs is aso feeling more relaxed, for I am no longer in my depressed mode and we are back to old times. We tried to go shopping more often so that he will not be too bored and especially armed with his new toy, he is excited to go ard shopping new "clothes" for his toy. I am happie to go along with him, making up the lost time.

As we embraced October, I do hope that I will become better. As someone once told me, I would neber be the same after the loss, as I will always feel the lost within me, but I can thrive to live better for the sake of my loss 1 and go on to await for god's next blessing. This, would be the only thing I can do in memory of XB.

My little brother

Past by pasar malam(night markets) on our way hm the other day and I saw the cotton candy stall as our car drove by. Suddenly, I realised I missed my kiddy brother a lot. I still remember my dating days where hubs & I will without fail go down to pasar malams when it sets up near my house. Without fail, we would buy a pack of cotton candy back for my kid brother when going hm.

Thus every time when my bro learns tat we are going to pasar malam, he would wait for us to come home eagerly so that he gets to eat his favourite cotton candy. Ever since we got married and shifted to our own house, I dun buy cotton candy for him anymore..

I guess this is part of growing up, you get distanced with your siblings as you build your own family. I dun get to see him often when I shifted out, used to be monthly when I bring mummy out for dinner after payday and would ask him to go along, but then it all changed when he shifted to his gf hse earlier this year.

Now, he doesn't really calls home, didn't bother to come home unless mummy is cooking or he needs to get/bring back things. Dun even know how he is getting on at his gf place. Only time we get to see him is when he meets mummy for dinner once in a blue moon and I would tag along.

Seriously, I miss him a lot, though we have our quarrels while growing up, we were pretty close, I am just like a 2nd mum to him, keeping him in check when mummy gets too soft hearted or busy. Guided and helped him to make many of his major decisions in his earlier part of life. Neber tot we could grew so distance in a matter of months.

As he moved on to his new phase of life, I knew I had to loose my grip on him and allowed him to make decisions on his own..Now, the only thing I can do is to wait for him to approach me should he need any guidance/advice, else, I would just need to give him the space he wanted.

Tom, Dick, Harry & Peter

Many deem hubs to be the quiet n more blocked headed 1 between the 2 of us.

Wat many did not know is,he had got his own sense of humor hidden well from the public eyes.

Check out the below conversation 1 nite..

Hubs : Who did u go dinner with juz now while I'm at work?

Me: Alot, Tom, Dick, Harry & Peter

Hubs : 骗人,cannot be all of them lo

Me: Why not?

Hubs: Dick is with me all along, how to haf dinner with you??

Busy wkend

My hubs is well known for going after the newest phone..Of cuz with iPhone 5 coming to our shores tmr, how can he pass up the chance of buying at the 1st chance he had?

He had register his interest with both Singtel & M1, making me register my interest too as my contract is free to recontract already. Didnt want to lose any chance of laying his hand on the phone you see..

Yesterday, Singtel opened their appointment booking at 10pm sharp, and only those who had registered their interest gets an invitation email to book an appt to buy the phone. Its double work in my opinion. If you had registered your interest, obviously you wanna buy rite?Why the need to log in again to book an appt? Waste of time. Anyways, I think its their way of marketing, so if wanna buy, bo bian..

So, at 10pm, hubs enlisted my help to try log on to the booking system. PC, lappie, iPad, iPhones, every gadget tat can log on to the net, we used to try to get into the system, some using our home internet, some using our phone data, hoping to get lucky.

We managed to get into the system once, but was boot out for no reason at some point while moving on to the next page. Hubs nearly flipped. Tried again for the next half hr with me giving up, and him continuing refreshing the pages on the various gadgets.

He managed to get a slot in the end, though not his ideal model, but then he is finally able to secure phone purchase on both fri & sat nite and I am suppose to acc him to MBS to collect the phone in midst of the F1 race going on there. Man, its gonna be so crowded..

Its gonna be a busy wkend of us..

Touched..

Twice today, I felt touched, beri touched that plp are still concerned over my well being despite me hafin the miscarriage 1 & a half mth ago.

During lunch, part time bf smsed me and check on my well being and asked me to meet her b4 her trip overseas so that she can noe I am well now.. Realli felt beri touched that despite me not attending her wedding during my initial pregnancy stage, not meeting her & the other gals during my pregnancy as I am instructed to move ard less and not meeting up with them again after my miscarriage as I am not in the mood to go out, she texted me on n off to make sure that I am well and not giving me pressure to meet her as she noes I need time to adjust..

I noe she is beri concerned over my well being, while trying hard not to pressurised me to let go of my loss, she needs to make me open up. Striking a balance is neber easy, texted me too often, it seem like giving me pressure, texting me too infrequent, it makes her seem unconcerned. I know she is trying her best to be her for me at the same time giving me some space to mourn. Realli grateful to her, I noe I can count on you part time, I promised to meet you b4 ur trip to catcha up:)

Then near to off work time, I met my MD's secretary while goin to the ladies. Truth to be told, we werent consider close,  just colleagues, yet everytime when she bumped into me, she will check on my recent well being, offering some tips, giving encouragement. She could haf smiled and just walked off or juz engage in small polite small tok, but she always take some time off to chat with me, to find out on my well being. Its realli touching can? Given she dun realli tok to others, this small gesture of hers is realli realli sweet.

Tat said, I noe there are many more others who are concerned, like my bestie, who despite being pregnant herself, will text me to check on me every other few days. My twin who has juz been blessed with a boi recently, checked on me every other few days too though he is tied up with his then heavily pregnant wife, jie jie who works near me is still waiting patiently for me to go lunch with her...heheh..Last but not least, my mummy, who will need call me everyday to hear my voice, though she is not as worried as during initial stages, she still checks on me daily...

I am gettin better, realli, for the sake of my dear family & fwens, for the sake of hafin another 1, I will move on strongly, though pain is still there, but I take all these in my stride..

I am not alone

These are the exact words that my fwen told me when she learnt of my miscarriage.. It does sounds hurtful at 1st, I mean, even I am not alone, cant I mourn?

Later, when I calmed down, I start to realise, realli I am not alone in this miscarriage saga. After learning of our loss, many ard us start to share their stories with us..

My boss, lost hers at 7wks, neber got ard hafing another 1, perhaps due to her age, perhaps due to work stress, we didnt manage to find out.

My colleague's wife, miscarriage twice, but went on in between to have 2 more children.

Hubs' colleague,S, who lost hers 1st and went to haf a cute gal who is 2 years old now.

Hubs' cousin-in law, who got preggies ard the same time as me, lost hers too and she lost her previous 1 too, but had 2 healthy children before.

My twin's wife, who miscarriage twice and had just given birth to a healthy boy recently.

Hub's boss, who miscarriage and had a bubbly gal now aged 6.

Hub's accountant who also lost hers at 14wks juz 2 wks after me and is on 2 mths break now.

Even the doc admistrating GA on me, told me she suffered a miscarriage b4 going to go give birth to 2 healthy children.

The most scary 1 being, my mummy's neighbour who told me she lost hers at 5mths due to bb not developing properly.

There are many more stories I heard, many started to open up and shared their stories or their fwens' stories with us, hoping to let us noe, they feel for us, they knew wat we were going thru.

We realised nearly every other person had the experience of miscarriage be it their 1st or subsequent pregnancie.

My mum was wondering aloud the other day, dunno whether our generation are weaker or her generation is made of harder stuff.

She had 3 of us smoothly, did not even haf morning sickness!!!

Perhaps is becuz she is a stay at home mum while I am juggling new work and not to mention renovations, staying with in-laws during my pregnancy bak then.

Anyhow, though I know I am not alone, it didnt take the pain away.

Not being alone doesnt mean it doesnt hurt.

Not being alone doesnt mean it helps, in fact I dun wish for any 1 to experience this as it is realli a painful experience, physically and mentally. More so, if you lost yours like my way.

I know I am not alone, but seriously how does this help?

李式笑话- Random conversation#8792649231

While watching a re-run of a Korean serial, I came across these lines:

Man (while on his 1st date wif gal): "I am going to remember today, its the happiest day of my life to go on the 1st date with you"

So, as usual, I turned ard to hubs and the following conversation follows:

Me: "老公，我们的第一次 约会是你一生最快乐的日子妈？"

Hubs (all the while eyes not leaving his iPad): "是！"

Me: "那，你还记得是几时的事吗？"

Hubs: "不记得了"

Me: "那你还说是！最快乐的日子可以忘记的么？"

Hubs (Looking sheepish) :" 你知道我有健忘症嘛。。。"

Every time onli noe how to 应酬我。。。。

Enjoying Macau..

Bro is currently working in Macau, this is the 3rd time he went there this yr, 1st time is our family trip, 2nd and tis time for work..After the 1st scare, we reminded or rather threaten him to on his hp, else there is no promise wat my mummy will ask me to do (i.e call his employer to get his contact details). He did, whahah good boy! Cuz he went MIA for 2 wks, making mummy nearly teared and jumped on the 1st plane to Macau, he knew better not to repeat this stunt again..

According to mum, he is njoying his work stint there, visiting Zhu Hai and Hong Kong on wkends. Unlike in Spore, he will usually stay at home, prefering to look at his PC rather than goin out..Having said that, I think I will do the same if I was send to work there..After all, there are more things to explore than to coop up in the hotel during wkends, whereas in Singapore, we have been to those where we wanna go.

Being a small red dot, there is nothing new every now n then to go to..Instead we usually laze at home on wkends..Contacting my bro on mummy's behalf, reminds me of our family trip earlier this yr..Though I didnt haf a good impression of Macau becuz all they can offer is onli Casinos, but I like the fact that we travelled together..

Be Safe there bro, hope u bring bak alot of tings for me from Zhu Hai...whahahah

Paper human

My mum calls me 纸人 cuz she finds me weak, falling sick every now and then..

The most recent 1 is on tue nite, where for no appranent reason, I start to vomit, had the runs, and haf beri bad stomach cramps..My stomach cramp last for the whole nite and thus didnt get a good nite slp..

Went to work next day with the cramps and tahan the whole day..Not that I'm hardworking but becuz I am due to release 1 report to my various vessels for them to prepare for the upcoming payroll and becuz my colleague is on leave, I would need to cover him, thus haf no choice but to show up for work..

Had a beri bad day, keep running to the toilet when the stomach acts up..and by the time Im due to off work,Im ready to go pay the doctor a visit..It was certified that I am suffering from stomach flu, not food posioning that I thought..

Took the next day off and mummy came to my hse..She keep teasing me that my outlook and my body condition doesnt seems to match...Beri nice mummy, wait till I get well, I will prove to you that I am not made of paper!!!

Room for improvement..

Its been nearly 1 and half mth since my miscarriage, yes I still keep track of the days and will still look at the ultrasound pictures every nite b4 falling as slp.But I felt better than initial stages..Appetite is bak, with me putting bak weight (which is not a good thing, the putting on weight part). Sleep wise, I still need to improve, either I would have trouble falling aslp, or I would not have a good slp i.e nightmares...

Going bak to work, takes up most of my free time, and most days, I come home feeling drained out..But then at the same time, it felt good to be bak. Being busy with all the stuff, joking, gossiping, chatting makes me more cheerful and not dwell on my miscarriage..

I tried to go back to shopping but without success, guess not everything can go bak to normal in such short time..We aso tried to resume our friday night dates if I am not too tired..

Many concerned fwens will try to check in with me for updates on my well being, I thank you for your concern. All I can say now is, though better, I think there is still room for improvement. Dun worry, I am getting better, realli though slow but at least not worse..

李式笑话- Out of Habit

I read some where that if u continue to do something for 21 days straight, it will become a habit of yours. No wonder my ex colleagues will go on the detox program for 21 days, I always wonder why this magical number, now, I know this is bak by scientific research..

Was telling hubs on this and told me, hopefully drinkin the yucky chinese medicine would become a habit to me as I need to drink at least for 2 mths. Right now, its a chore for me to drink it due to the awful taste, but I realised, I am slowly getting use to it after a wk...

Den it got him all excited and suddenly he told me he would placed his smelly-saliva coated pillow on my face everynight for 5 mins for 21 days and it would then become a habit of mine to smell his pillow before falling aslp every night..

I seriously cannot understand why he think his smelly pillow is nice smelling and also why should I smell his smelly pillow..Every time I turned my face ard, especially on the 3rd wk after changing the sheets, I would try push his pillow away from me for that saliva smell is too strong. This is usually the sign to change the sheets..whahah And he would need to re-create his smelly pillow...

Well, I assured him tat if his smelly pillow gets anywhere near to me, the pillow will be hitting the trash bin straight for I am afraid it would give me outbreaks with this dried saliva!!!!

Its okie to grieve..

Been bak to work for 2wks and had been feelin giddy on and off..Tried to put it off but the it got worst. Finally went to doctor to day. After checking, he mentioned low blood pressure (wat's new) and also asked a few questions on my sleeping patterns etc..

I admit, I slept more than previously when I was at home resting partly becuz I was tired out by work, but then again the quality is not good at all.. Meaning to say, either I sleep thru the night with nightmares, waking up feeling more tired than ever or I would wake up at odd hrs like 4.30am or 5am and cannot go bak to slp, many times, staying awake till 7 am when its time to wake up for work.

Doc say this is affecting me from getting well and thus explains low pressure and giddy spells. I am already trying my best to move forward, realli, now tat Im bak to work, I have less time to dwell on my miscarriage as work is always busy. Hubs will try to divert my attention during dinner by chatting about anything under the sun so that I will not have any quiet moments to myself and start tinking on our loss..

But still when I lay awake on my bed, my mind would drift bak to my bb. Many times, I would fall aslp with tears in my eyes, turning away frm Hubs so tat he would not see my tears..

As much as I focus on not grieving, my doc had told me its okie to grieve though he dunno how long it would take me.. He told me its okie that I feel low for a while and then feel happie for something den go bak to feeling low. He aso told me not to feel gulity if I felt happie over something, for slowly, I would be bak to my happie self again. If I continue to feel low and neber happie, then I will not be able to find bak the feeling of being happie.

It sounds logical to me, for I would feel gulity for feeling happie somethings over certain thing. I felt that by feeling happie, I let down my BB who just his life a month ago onli and I am oredi feeling happie here. I aso have no idea how long I shd grieve den I would feel gulity every time I feel happie over something ..

Anyways, he gave me 2 days off and told me to rest as much as I can before going bak to work again and I realli follow his instructions and slp like a pig to the extend of skipping lunch these 2 days..Well, its bak to the chinese doc this sat to see how I fare after a wk's medication..I reckon it will not have any significant changes as TCM is known to tune ur body bak SLOWLY... how long more I need to take this yucky medication, I dunno, but I do hope it will prepare me well for my next pregnancy and this would not waste my efforts in enduring drinking 2 dosages every day...

Kitchen's owner

I think hubs is secretly thrilled with our newly renovated kitchen..So much so that he rather scarifice going out time to cook and clean the kitchen. Even mummy was impressed by his cookin and cleanin skills..

It all started that we decided not to hire a confinement lady and mil was not willing to help to cook and mummy did not noe how to cook confinement food, hubs gamely took up the role of the confinement chef..He borrowed books from his mum to learnt the various confinement food, try to cook them through trial & error..

During my short pregnancy, he cooked for me every wkend to allow me to eat more nutritious food. To cook dinner, hubs need to start preparing at 3pm, some times to marinate the meat, sometimes to double boil the soup..Many times, he dun have time to rest after preparation as he will take some time to wash up den realised it's time to start cooking so tat it will be in time for dinner as I get hungry easily then...

Later, when I miscarriaged, he was forced to fast forward his confinement cooking adventures and start cooking for me as it is believed that I should haf a mini confinement even though I did not give birth. As I'm a fussy eater, its easier for hubs to cook for me as he noes my likes and dislikes at the bak of his hand. He also would not force me to take food that I dun eat..hehe..

At times, when we ate outside, hubs would try to re-create the dish tat we ate...Didnt taste like the stall sometimes but still was no where far from it...For instance, when we had the salted egg fried chickie the other day at the zhe char stall near our hse and I told him its nice, and then he start to tink of how to re-create this dish...

Knowing tat I love soup, he would also cooked different kind of soup every wk for me, lotus pork ribs soup, winter melon soup, ABC soup, he tried his best to boil them for me every wk..Often, he would also cook his fav fried food, making home made fries or self marinate fried chickie...

With this big chef around, I'm sure I will get to eat more tasty food and hopefully get nurse bak to health..

Moving forward...

Its been nearly a month since the miscarriage, though feeling better but still have room for improvement both phyiscally and emtionally.

Every 1 had been beri concern bout my well being, I'm thankful for their C&C.

At my parents in law suggestion, Hubs brought me to the chinese sinseh today, hoping to tune my body bak with the help of TCM. I am not very keen on this treatment as I dread drinkin the veri bitter chinese medicine. But for the sake of nursing my body bak & to set my love ones' mind at ease, I decided to go for the consultation.

The sinseh said that I am having a weak system and may need 1-2 months of medication to tune body back to prepare for the next pregnancy. I am nt sure whether I can withstand the taste of the medicine but guess I will try my best to take them as per doc's instruction.

Hopefully she can cleared me after 2 mths, the amount of tonics I took during this period is realli scary. Every morning will take a bottle of chickie/ginseng etc esscence. Then before going to slp will take bird nest.. Wkends, hubs will cook confinement food for me and boiled soups to nourish me... Hopefully I dun gain so much weight after taking all these, after all my gyne had warned me against putting on too much weight at my follow up checkup..

Back to work

Its bak to work after 3wks of resting after my miscarriage, abit uneasy on the 1st day as I've been out of work for so long, not sure how to deal with human interactions...

Colleagues are sweet enuff not to probe, some gave me hugs, some gave me a pat, many asked me to take care. Even MD asked me to sit in for a little chat to ensure tat I am okie..The closer colleagues tried to cheer me up by toking about any thing under the sun but the miscarriage. This is their way to show they care, hoping to take my mind off this awful incident..

I thank god for being in such a good company with such caring colleagues.Though my time here is still short (3mths) thus I was worried that they might let me go especially I missed work quite often due to this preganacy..Still, they rallied behind me and welcome me back with open arms :)

Work is hetic as usual, though my colleagues have helped to clear bulk of it, but there are things that need to be done in time for the month end and they are all tied up in their work, thus it is onli fair I take back the responsibilities after missing work for so long.

Getting bak to work aso means I have less time to dwell on the miscarriage, more tired, slp more soundly at nite, thus I placed the ultrasound pics beside my bed so that I can take a look at XB whenever I missed him, though I do not noe how long more I need to walk out of this pain, but I noe I am slowly doing so.

I am not aiming to forget XB, I am onli aiming not to grieve so much so as to nurse myself back to health and prepare for the next blessing from god...

Released from house arrest

Previously when I was pregnant, hubs and I practically did not go any where except for work and marketing. Partly because I'm always feeling tired, wanna rest early, partly due to doctor's advice to rest as much as I can during 1st trimester.

After my miscarriage, for the past 3 wks, we did not go out often as I'm not in the mood to shop and is also tired physically. I noe hubs is damn bored at home, desperately wanna get out to walk ard but I juz cannot bring myself to njoy shoppin as much as I do b4 miscarriage.

In fact when I go out now, it's to buy something tat I haf in mind oredi rather to shop for it. But for the sake of hubs, I noe I cannot cropped him up in the house too much as its unfair to him. Thus, I try to got out with him for a movie or mayb walk ard for a while b4 I give up and wanna go home..

He told me he's happie just to get out of the house and walk ard for some fresh air. On the other hand, he aso wan me not to sit and home and dwell on my miscarriage..

We went to our 1st buffet after 4mths, he had got the discounted price from deals.com and we njoy the buffet though I realized I cannot eat as much as b4. Perhaps durin my pregnancy, I've gotten use to eating little with more meals.

Anyhow, I think I need adjust myself and prepare to return to work on tue and to face plp..Also, need to find bak my own self so tat hubs would not need to suffer with me any further but I am not sure how long more I need to walk out of this pain. Hopefully soon...

李式笑话-Our #468357947 random conversations

After applying the SK II pack that I gave him, this became our nightly conversation :

Hubs: 老婆，我有比较像刘德华吗？
Me: 没有。
Hubs: 有比较像吴尊吗？
Me: 有。。。比较像无赖。。hehehe

One fine day just before falling aslp, hubs was telling me that he had no motivation for working nowadays, perhaps is due to the office politics, perhaps is due to he loss of our child recently. And part of the conversation went as below:

Me: No motivation ar?
Hubs: Ya lo..
Me: Come, I give you some motivations want?
Hubs: Wat motivations?
Me: You muz make it your aim to 赚很多很多钱来买很多很多 Miu Miu bags 给我。。这就是你的motivation..
Hubs: I dun wan go work tmr le...heheh

Once in a lifetime

After going thru so much in the past few mths, it makes me realised those who care deeply bout me, not tat I didnt noe in the 1st place, but the past few incidents brought out the best in them, rallying around me, providing with the strongest support I can ever asked for, taking care of me, and simply being around for me..

Its like hubs and I went thru a huge roller coaster ride within a span of 2mths. From finding out my pregnancy to worrying bout BB when I 1st had bleeding to the assurance we had that BB is fine to losing our BB.. No one can ever noe wat we went thru. The nights when we laid on bed, toking to our unborn child in my tummy, nights where we discuss our plans for the little 1, the tot of welcoming him to this world, nights when we worried bout his well being when I 1st haf bleeding, nights when we couldnt slp worrying bout whether we can keep BB..Finally, nights of crying together over loss of our 1st child.

All these brought us closer, we shared dreams of our little 1, shared worries for him and shared our feelings over loss of BB.

Hubs was a quiet man by nature, not knowing how to show his concern or express himself properly. When we 1st learnt that we couldnt keep our baby, I knew he was as upset as me, I could cry out loud, but he couldnt, he needed to be strong for me, he need to console me, he need to assure me all would be okie. Yet, his pain is no less than me, I caught him tearing when he was tot I was falling aslp in hospital, I realised he flipped thru the ultrasound pics when he came home alone from hospital when he misses our baby..

Even when I 1st came home, all I did was cry over  my loss, he would just hug me sliently, waiting for me to calm down and sometimes, I see tears in his eyes. Not only, he was sad bout loss of baby, he was also sad that I couldnt get over our loss and was afraid tat I might sink into depression.

He took up the responsibility of cleaning up the house and even learnt to cook confinement food for me so tat I eat well enuff to regain my health. For some 1 who dun realli like chinese cuisine, he went to great lengths to make sure I was eating well. Buying breakie for me before going to work, going to the wet market to select fresh food to cook, thinkin of the menu the night before, he had done more that I could ever asked for.

I felt blessed that I married him, someone who I can count on in times of trouble, some 1 who will be there for me during difficult times, some one who went out of his way to care for me during my most depressed period, I knew I didnt make the wrong choice by choosing him.

Though lossing our 1st child, the bundle of love that we so look forward to, but I thank god that I still have him holding my hand, walking beside me, for we might have a chance to try for another in time to come, meeting the correct person? Its once in a life time.

A mother's love

I knew my mum had a hard time bringin the 3 of us up and I realli appreciate her efforts. Still remmbered when I was young, I used to like to go against her. Nothing major, just like to irritate the hell out of her, but surprisingly, the strict rules that she laid down for us, I didnt have the courage to break any one of them..

During the initial stages of my pregnancy, I suffered from serious morning sickness, or rather whole day sickness. During work time, I need to keep frequenting the ladies due to the numerous time I wanted to vomit. Some are false alarm, but some are so serious that I would even vomit out of my nose. Didnt had the appetite to eat much, or at times, keep feeling hungry but dunno wat to eat..I would aso feel sleeply at certain timing, resulting me in dozing off at my work desk or feel restless most of the time..

Walking became a chore for I keep reminding myself to walk slowly. I no longer can eat as recklessly as I did before I am pregnant taking care to eat food tat are good for the bb, avoiding those that I had been pre warned to be harmful..Despite being extra careful, I didnt manage to keep my BB, but I did not regret any bit of the things I went thru..

Its after that I became pregnant den I realise how difficult for a woman to carry their BB to full term, how much each woman went thru to keep their BB safe and bring them to this world, not to mentioned the bringin up part. Granted, every woman faced different situations during their pregnancy, but I tink most would face difficulties at 1 point or another..

I can appreciate my mummy more when I went thru the 3 months of pregnancy. Even more when she took extra care of me during my pregnancy and post miscarriage. When I 1st encountered my 1st bleeding incident, mummy quit her morning jobs so that she can come over to cook for me during my bed rest leave and to help clean my hse.

During my stay in the hospital, she rushed there every day before and after work to check on me, making sure tat she provide the moral support that I needed so much. She was calmed infront of me though later she would admit that many a times, she feel like breaking down. Even when on that day of the abortion, she did not shed any tears infront of me, in fear of upsetting me further. She told me tat she onli dared to cry when she is waiting for the bus to go home..

This is a mother's love for her daughter, giving me unconditional love and support, putting me infront of herself in every move, being strong for me so that I can be strong too. I dunno whether I would be able to do that when I become someone's mother next time, but I will learn from my mummy's example. Thank you mummy, I love you. Thank you for your support, care and concern for the past few months, for without you, I might not be able to remain as sane as now..

Local or not?

Been watching the Olympics alot during my 3wks leave, more than I ever watched as compared to the past few games, perhaps I have nothing to do den to watch tv perhaps the only they keep showing now are the various competitions, none the less, its quite entertaining..

But I do only watch certain sports,swimming, table tennis, badmintion, diving, weight lifting and gymnastics, dun ask why but I dun watch the others.

Was catching the live telecast of the men's single badminton gold medal game the other day. Competitors are Lee Chong Wei from Msia and Lin Dan from China. It was an intense game, I was cheering for Lee, afterall, China had always had a clean sweep in badminton, having Lee winning this will prove to the world that not only the Chinese can trained an Olympic gold medalist.

But things were not meant to be, Lee Lost to Lin after a tough battle, I had initally tot he could win in the last game and made history. He put up a great fight too, you can see tat even Lin was in respect of him, hugging him after the win instead of the usual handshake.

This set me thinking bout Singapore's policy of importing sportsmen and women from other country to compete in our national flag. No doubt, we had won 2 bronzes this time, I had great admiration for our table tennis team. But it would be a prouder moment had this been a true blue Singaporean who had won.

Dun get me wrong, its not that I deny the sportswomen the effort they put in to train for the games, afterall, many countries aso filed China born players in their team and only Singapore is able to win the bronze. I mean if every China born player is playing that well, then their teams would have made it to the top 3 too. We cannot deny the hard work our players put in.

But wat I dun get it is, why didnt Singapore train their own players? We can have a mixture of local and foreign born players in a team, exposing our players to these big events, instead all of the players filed are all non local. In this way, how can a local player grow when he or she is being denied of this chance to go to bigger events?

In the case of Lee, who is a malaysian chinese, was being termed as a national hero after this win. You see, it is not easy to shine as a Chinese in Malaysia, but he did it and went on to represent his country in the international stage, even his coach, I see was a local (Malay and chinese coach). So obviously, it made all Malaysians prouder than ever to be able to win Silver, only losing to Lin who is well known as world best..

Even as a Singaporean, I felt happie for them, this is the moment that I wished I had a chance to see. Even our national flag flying up high there, medals won by a local and if possible coached by a local. This is the time when the government can proudly claimed that they had succeed in bring the standard of our sportsmen or women to international level. Before that, even our national flag is being flew at the victory ceremony, I can never felt a sense of great acheivement for them.