李式笑话- Out of Habit

I read some where that if u continue to do something for 21 days straight, it will become a habit of yours. No wonder my ex colleagues will go on the detox program for 21 days, I always wonder why this magical number, now, I know this is bak by scientific research..

Was telling hubs on this and told me, hopefully drinkin the yucky chinese medicine would become a habit to me as I need to drink at least for 2 mths. Right now, its a chore for me to drink it due to the awful taste, but I realised, I am slowly getting use to it after a wk...

Den it got him all excited and suddenly he told me he would placed his smelly-saliva coated pillow on my face everynight for 5 mins for 21 days and it would then become a habit of mine to smell his pillow before falling aslp every night..

I seriously cannot understand why he think his smelly pillow is nice smelling and also why should I smell his smelly pillow..Every time I turned my face ard, especially on the 3rd wk after changing the sheets, I would try push his pillow away from me for that saliva smell is too strong. This is usually the sign to change the sheets..whahah And he would need to re-create his smelly pillow...

Well, I assured him tat if his smelly pillow gets anywhere near to me, the pillow will be hitting the trash bin straight for I am afraid it would give me outbreaks with this dried saliva!!!!

Its okie to grieve..

Been bak to work for 2wks and had been feelin giddy on and off..Tried to put it off but the it got worst. Finally went to doctor to day. After checking, he mentioned low blood pressure (wat's new) and also asked a few questions on my sleeping patterns etc..

I admit, I slept more than previously when I was at home resting partly becuz I was tired out by work, but then again the quality is not good at all.. Meaning to say, either I sleep thru the night with nightmares, waking up feeling more tired than ever or I would wake up at odd hrs like 4.30am or 5am and cannot go bak to slp, many times, staying awake till 7 am when its time to wake up for work.

Doc say this is affecting me from getting well and thus explains low pressure and giddy spells. I am already trying my best to move forward, realli, now tat Im bak to work, I have less time to dwell on my miscarriage as work is always busy. Hubs will try to divert my attention during dinner by chatting about anything under the sun so that I will not have any quiet moments to myself and start tinking on our loss..

But still when I lay awake on my bed, my mind would drift bak to my bb. Many times, I would fall aslp with tears in my eyes, turning away frm Hubs so tat he would not see my tears..

As much as I focus on not grieving, my doc had told me its okie to grieve though he dunno how long it would take me.. He told me its okie that I feel low for a while and then feel happie for something den go bak to feeling low. He aso told me not to feel gulity if I felt happie over something, for slowly, I would be bak to my happie self again. If I continue to feel low and neber happie, then I will not be able to find bak the feeling of being happie.

It sounds logical to me, for I would feel gulity for feeling happie somethings over certain thing. I felt that by feeling happie, I let down my BB who just his life a month ago onli and I am oredi feeling happie here. I aso have no idea how long I shd grieve den I would feel gulity every time I feel happie over something ..

Anyways, he gave me 2 days off and told me to rest as much as I can before going bak to work again and I realli follow his instructions and slp like a pig to the extend of skipping lunch these 2 days..Well, its bak to the chinese doc this sat to see how I fare after a wk's medication..I reckon it will not have any significant changes as TCM is known to tune ur body bak SLOWLY... how long more I need to take this yucky medication, I dunno, but I do hope it will prepare me well for my next pregnancy and this would not waste my efforts in enduring drinking 2 dosages every day...

Kitchen's owner

I think hubs is secretly thrilled with our newly renovated kitchen..So much so that he rather scarifice going out time to cook and clean the kitchen. Even mummy was impressed by his cookin and cleanin skills..

It all started that we decided not to hire a confinement lady and mil was not willing to help to cook and mummy did not noe how to cook confinement food, hubs gamely took up the role of the confinement chef..He borrowed books from his mum to learnt the various confinement food, try to cook them through trial & error..

During my short pregnancy, he cooked for me every wkend to allow me to eat more nutritious food. To cook dinner, hubs need to start preparing at 3pm, some times to marinate the meat, sometimes to double boil the soup..Many times, he dun have time to rest after preparation as he will take some time to wash up den realised it's time to start cooking so tat it will be in time for dinner as I get hungry easily then...

Later, when I miscarriaged, he was forced to fast forward his confinement cooking adventures and start cooking for me as it is believed that I should haf a mini confinement even though I did not give birth. As I'm a fussy eater, its easier for hubs to cook for me as he noes my likes and dislikes at the bak of his hand. He also would not force me to take food that I dun eat..hehe..

At times, when we ate outside, hubs would try to re-create the dish tat we ate...Didnt taste like the stall sometimes but still was no where far from it...For instance, when we had the salted egg fried chickie the other day at the zhe char stall near our hse and I told him its nice, and then he start to tink of how to re-create this dish...

Knowing tat I love soup, he would also cooked different kind of soup every wk for me, lotus pork ribs soup, winter melon soup, ABC soup, he tried his best to boil them for me every wk..Often, he would also cook his fav fried food, making home made fries or self marinate fried chickie...

With this big chef around, I'm sure I will get to eat more tasty food and hopefully get nurse bak to health..

Moving forward...

Its been nearly a month since the miscarriage, though feeling better but still have room for improvement both phyiscally and emtionally.

Every 1 had been beri concern bout my well being, I'm thankful for their C&C.

At my parents in law suggestion, Hubs brought me to the chinese sinseh today, hoping to tune my body bak with the help of TCM. I am not very keen on this treatment as I dread drinkin the veri bitter chinese medicine. But for the sake of nursing my body bak & to set my love ones' mind at ease, I decided to go for the consultation.

The sinseh said that I am having a weak system and may need 1-2 months of medication to tune body back to prepare for the next pregnancy. I am nt sure whether I can withstand the taste of the medicine but guess I will try my best to take them as per doc's instruction.

Hopefully she can cleared me after 2 mths, the amount of tonics I took during this period is realli scary. Every morning will take a bottle of chickie/ginseng etc esscence. Then before going to slp will take bird nest.. Wkends, hubs will cook confinement food for me and boiled soups to nourish me... Hopefully I dun gain so much weight after taking all these, after all my gyne had warned me against putting on too much weight at my follow up checkup..

Back to work

Its bak to work after 3wks of resting after my miscarriage, abit uneasy on the 1st day as I've been out of work for so long, not sure how to deal with human interactions...

Colleagues are sweet enuff not to probe, some gave me hugs, some gave me a pat, many asked me to take care. Even MD asked me to sit in for a little chat to ensure tat I am okie..The closer colleagues tried to cheer me up by toking about any thing under the sun but the miscarriage. This is their way to show they care, hoping to take my mind off this awful incident..

I thank god for being in such a good company with such caring colleagues.Though my time here is still short (3mths) thus I was worried that they might let me go especially I missed work quite often due to this preganacy..Still, they rallied behind me and welcome me back with open arms :)

Work is hetic as usual, though my colleagues have helped to clear bulk of it, but there are things that need to be done in time for the month end and they are all tied up in their work, thus it is onli fair I take back the responsibilities after missing work for so long.

Getting bak to work aso means I have less time to dwell on the miscarriage, more tired, slp more soundly at nite, thus I placed the ultrasound pics beside my bed so that I can take a look at XB whenever I missed him, though I do not noe how long more I need to walk out of this pain, but I noe I am slowly doing so.

I am not aiming to forget XB, I am onli aiming not to grieve so much so as to nurse myself back to health and prepare for the next blessing from god...

Released from house arrest

Previously when I was pregnant, hubs and I practically did not go any where except for work and marketing. Partly because I'm always feeling tired, wanna rest early, partly due to doctor's advice to rest as much as I can during 1st trimester.

After my miscarriage, for the past 3 wks, we did not go out often as I'm not in the mood to shop and is also tired physically. I noe hubs is damn bored at home, desperately wanna get out to walk ard but I juz cannot bring myself to njoy shoppin as much as I do b4 miscarriage.

In fact when I go out now, it's to buy something tat I haf in mind oredi rather to shop for it. But for the sake of hubs, I noe I cannot cropped him up in the house too much as its unfair to him. Thus, I try to got out with him for a movie or mayb walk ard for a while b4 I give up and wanna go home..

He told me he's happie just to get out of the house and walk ard for some fresh air. On the other hand, he aso wan me not to sit and home and dwell on my miscarriage..

We went to our 1st buffet after 4mths, he had got the discounted price from deals.com and we njoy the buffet though I realized I cannot eat as much as b4. Perhaps durin my pregnancy, I've gotten use to eating little with more meals.

Anyhow, I think I need adjust myself and prepare to return to work on tue and to face plp..Also, need to find bak my own self so tat hubs would not need to suffer with me any further but I am not sure how long more I need to walk out of this pain. Hopefully soon...

李式笑话-Our #468357947 random conversations

After applying the SK II pack that I gave him, this became our nightly conversation :

Hubs: 老婆，我有比较像刘德华吗？
Me: 没有。
Hubs: 有比较像吴尊吗？
Me: 有。。。比较像无赖。。hehehe

One fine day just before falling aslp, hubs was telling me that he had no motivation for working nowadays, perhaps is due to the office politics, perhaps is due to he loss of our child recently. And part of the conversation went as below:

Me: No motivation ar?
Hubs: Ya lo..
Me: Come, I give you some motivations want?
Hubs: Wat motivations?
Me: You muz make it your aim to 赚很多很多钱来买很多很多 Miu Miu bags 给我。。这就是你的motivation..
Hubs: I dun wan go work tmr le...heheh

Once in a lifetime

After going thru so much in the past few mths, it makes me realised those who care deeply bout me, not tat I didnt noe in the 1st place, but the past few incidents brought out the best in them, rallying around me, providing with the strongest support I can ever asked for, taking care of me, and simply being around for me..

Its like hubs and I went thru a huge roller coaster ride within a span of 2mths. From finding out my pregnancy to worrying bout BB when I 1st had bleeding to the assurance we had that BB is fine to losing our BB.. No one can ever noe wat we went thru. The nights when we laid on bed, toking to our unborn child in my tummy, nights where we discuss our plans for the little 1, the tot of welcoming him to this world, nights when we worried bout his well being when I 1st haf bleeding, nights when we couldnt slp worrying bout whether we can keep BB..Finally, nights of crying together over loss of our 1st child.

All these brought us closer, we shared dreams of our little 1, shared worries for him and shared our feelings over loss of BB.

Hubs was a quiet man by nature, not knowing how to show his concern or express himself properly. When we 1st learnt that we couldnt keep our baby, I knew he was as upset as me, I could cry out loud, but he couldnt, he needed to be strong for me, he need to console me, he need to assure me all would be okie. Yet, his pain is no less than me, I caught him tearing when he was tot I was falling aslp in hospital, I realised he flipped thru the ultrasound pics when he came home alone from hospital when he misses our baby..

Even when I 1st came home, all I did was cry over  my loss, he would just hug me sliently, waiting for me to calm down and sometimes, I see tears in his eyes. Not only, he was sad bout loss of baby, he was also sad that I couldnt get over our loss and was afraid tat I might sink into depression.

He took up the responsibility of cleaning up the house and even learnt to cook confinement food for me so tat I eat well enuff to regain my health. For some 1 who dun realli like chinese cuisine, he went to great lengths to make sure I was eating well. Buying breakie for me before going to work, going to the wet market to select fresh food to cook, thinkin of the menu the night before, he had done more that I could ever asked for.

I felt blessed that I married him, someone who I can count on in times of trouble, some 1 who will be there for me during difficult times, some one who went out of his way to care for me during my most depressed period, I knew I didnt make the wrong choice by choosing him.

Though lossing our 1st child, the bundle of love that we so look forward to, but I thank god that I still have him holding my hand, walking beside me, for we might have a chance to try for another in time to come, meeting the correct person? Its once in a life time.

A mother's love

I knew my mum had a hard time bringin the 3 of us up and I realli appreciate her efforts. Still remmbered when I was young, I used to like to go against her. Nothing major, just like to irritate the hell out of her, but surprisingly, the strict rules that she laid down for us, I didnt have the courage to break any one of them..

During the initial stages of my pregnancy, I suffered from serious morning sickness, or rather whole day sickness. During work time, I need to keep frequenting the ladies due to the numerous time I wanted to vomit. Some are false alarm, but some are so serious that I would even vomit out of my nose. Didnt had the appetite to eat much, or at times, keep feeling hungry but dunno wat to eat..I would aso feel sleeply at certain timing, resulting me in dozing off at my work desk or feel restless most of the time..

Walking became a chore for I keep reminding myself to walk slowly. I no longer can eat as recklessly as I did before I am pregnant taking care to eat food tat are good for the bb, avoiding those that I had been pre warned to be harmful..Despite being extra careful, I didnt manage to keep my BB, but I did not regret any bit of the things I went thru..

Its after that I became pregnant den I realise how difficult for a woman to carry their BB to full term, how much each woman went thru to keep their BB safe and bring them to this world, not to mentioned the bringin up part. Granted, every woman faced different situations during their pregnancy, but I tink most would face difficulties at 1 point or another..

I can appreciate my mummy more when I went thru the 3 months of pregnancy. Even more when she took extra care of me during my pregnancy and post miscarriage. When I 1st encountered my 1st bleeding incident, mummy quit her morning jobs so that she can come over to cook for me during my bed rest leave and to help clean my hse.

During my stay in the hospital, she rushed there every day before and after work to check on me, making sure tat she provide the moral support that I needed so much. She was calmed infront of me though later she would admit that many a times, she feel like breaking down. Even when on that day of the abortion, she did not shed any tears infront of me, in fear of upsetting me further. She told me tat she onli dared to cry when she is waiting for the bus to go home..

This is a mother's love for her daughter, giving me unconditional love and support, putting me infront of herself in every move, being strong for me so that I can be strong too. I dunno whether I would be able to do that when I become someone's mother next time, but I will learn from my mummy's example. Thank you mummy, I love you. Thank you for your support, care and concern for the past few months, for without you, I might not be able to remain as sane as now..

Local or not?

Been watching the Olympics alot during my 3wks leave, more than I ever watched as compared to the past few games, perhaps I have nothing to do den to watch tv perhaps the only they keep showing now are the various competitions, none the less, its quite entertaining..

But I do only watch certain sports,swimming, table tennis, badmintion, diving, weight lifting and gymnastics, dun ask why but I dun watch the others.

Was catching the live telecast of the men's single badminton gold medal game the other day. Competitors are Lee Chong Wei from Msia and Lin Dan from China. It was an intense game, I was cheering for Lee, afterall, China had always had a clean sweep in badminton, having Lee winning this will prove to the world that not only the Chinese can trained an Olympic gold medalist.

But things were not meant to be, Lee Lost to Lin after a tough battle, I had initally tot he could win in the last game and made history. He put up a great fight too, you can see tat even Lin was in respect of him, hugging him after the win instead of the usual handshake.

This set me thinking bout Singapore's policy of importing sportsmen and women from other country to compete in our national flag. No doubt, we had won 2 bronzes this time, I had great admiration for our table tennis team. But it would be a prouder moment had this been a true blue Singaporean who had won.

Dun get me wrong, its not that I deny the sportswomen the effort they put in to train for the games, afterall, many countries aso filed China born players in their team and only Singapore is able to win the bronze. I mean if every China born player is playing that well, then their teams would have made it to the top 3 too. We cannot deny the hard work our players put in.

But wat I dun get it is, why didnt Singapore train their own players? We can have a mixture of local and foreign born players in a team, exposing our players to these big events, instead all of the players filed are all non local. In this way, how can a local player grow when he or she is being denied of this chance to go to bigger events?

In the case of Lee, who is a malaysian chinese, was being termed as a national hero after this win. You see, it is not easy to shine as a Chinese in Malaysia, but he did it and went on to represent his country in the international stage, even his coach, I see was a local (Malay and chinese coach). So obviously, it made all Malaysians prouder than ever to be able to win Silver, only losing to Lin who is well known as world best..

Even as a Singaporean, I felt happie for them, this is the moment that I wished I had a chance to see. Even our national flag flying up high there, medals won by a local and if possible coached by a local. This is the time when the government can proudly claimed that they had succeed in bring the standard of our sportsmen or women to international level. Before that, even our national flag is being flew at the victory ceremony, I can never felt a sense of great acheivement for them.

Hope that you are well

Dear Xiao Bao,

Its been 7 days since we lost you, how are you getting on in your world? Is everything well there? Mummy and daddy miss you alot you know? The heartache didnt ease abit even though it has been a week. Do you know when mummy misses you, I will take out the ultrasound pictures to look at you? I especially love the 11wk pic where you were waving at us while doing the scan, daddy and mummy was so happie bak then..

Though asking ourselves many times, we didnt noe where went wrong that causes us to lose you. Mummy went thru rounds and rounds of self blaming though every 1 had told me that it is not my fault. But as your mummy, as the 1 who is responsible to keep you safe in my womb and bringing you to this world, it cannot be denied tat I failed in my job.

I realli wan you to know that we oredi tried our best in keeping you, decision that we made last wk is not becuz we dun love you but is becuz of our love for you. We wanted the best for you, and the doctor said this is the best for you, we wanted you to have a better life, a better environment, thus this decision. It pains us alot to let you go, but we still did...

Every night before I go to slp, I will tink of you, how happie I was when you were still within me, I would stroke my tummy to cajole you to slp, or how I will tok to you when I was bathing or during toilet breaks at work, tell you to bear with it abit while mummy work..Or how daddy will tok to you everynight or morning and when mummy gets off car to work..

Did you also rememeber all the nutritious food that you ate while inside mummy?Its all prepared with love from daddy or ah ma..Though daddy loves fast food more but he rather stayed at home on weekends preparing  whole day just to cook lunch and dinner for you. If not mummy is expecting, we might not even know how to do marketing, its becuz of you tat mummy n daddy went to market dilligently every wkend hoping to buy fresh food to prepare for you.

Actually mummy also want to thank you for your short presence in me, bringin out the best in us while preparing ourselves for your arrival. I noe you will want mummy and daddy to get on well here and be strong juz like when you were fighting in mummy during the last few days. Mummy is trying her very best but still at times, especially in the middle of night or early in the mornin when I wake up to go toilet, I will be reminded of you. I desperately wanted to know whether you are well in the other world, I desperately wanted to tell you 1 last time that I loved you cuz I didnt had the time to bid you a good farewell back then.

The most precious memories that you left for us will be well-kept, for when daddy & mummy miss you alot, we can have some photos to look at, this is our only way to rememeber you and we are realli thankful for that 5photos. Xiao Bao, please be well at the other world, for the only reason we let you go is want you to be well.

Love,

Daddy & Mummy Lee

Mourning

Its been 5 days since I lost my BB, since like all happens yesterday. I rejected all well-wishes' intentions for a visit. Not that I dun welcome them, juz tat I cannot bear to tok about this episode now without crying. Further more, it adds salt on the wound by repeating myself each time one ask how I lost my BB..

Hubs' family came yesterday, I had a hard time attending to them, need to be strong in front of visitors, putting up a front, tired out by the visit as they stayed for a few hrs, and of cuz repeating the details to my mil on the fateful day, bringing bak the pain that I try so hard to forget.

Many asked me, how am I coping so far, asking me not to dwell on it and dun be too sad..How not to dwell on it when I lost my baby this way, he's part of me for a good 3 and half mths for god's sake. When he left me, I felt like part of me left too, not going to feel complete from now on..

Hubs been beri supportive over this period though he is grieving too..He too, like me lost a child, and tot he nearly lost me when he saw how much I bled. On some nites, we just hug and cry together b4 falling aslp when we think of how we used to tok to our unborn child every night before bedtime.

Everything I do now, reminds me of this little 1 once inside me where both of us was so eager to welcome to this world. I tried to be happie, tried to keep myself busy to take it off my mind. None helps, in the end, I decided to juz grieve as much as I can before bouncing bak, this is my mourning period, our mourning period. No matter how much every 1 tells me that I should stay strong, the least I tink I can do is to mourn for this unborn child, this is the only thing I can do for him, I do not wan to forget him or the pain so fast, I wan to rememeber him, for the joy he brought us over the past 3mths plus...

I miss you BB, hope that you hear mummy's prayers every nite praying tat you are in somewhere safe and in good hands and leading a good life that you should have. Mummy will stay strong, hopefully you will too, juz like the way you did when we were about to lose you. I will always rememeber you, little fighter, thank you for the joy and happiness you brough to us, thank you for being part of me once, I thank god for the short time we had together, for it will be the sweetest memory I ever had when expecting my 1st child...

A day tat I would neber forget

On the morning of D-day I woke up at 4am, praying all the while with hands on my tummy, telling BB to stay with me and hold on..I prayed for the amino water level to come bak and the lack of water during the past few days had not do harm to my BB..There are so many things I prayed that in a blink of eyes, its time to go down for the scan..Mummy had come along to give me support.

I promised her and hubs tat shd the results be negative, I woud heed the gyne's advice and will not harm myself . Words cannot decribe my feelings as I await for the scan, its like waiting for a verdict to be passed.

Things are just not meant to be when the scan shows that water level is still low, gyne needs us to decide on the spot the next course of action, whether to continue waiting (not recommended) or to proceed with an abortion. As I said to her " I will follow your advice to let go", I felt myself letting go of myself.

Though I noe this is the best decision for both BB and me, I cannot help but felt gulity towards giving up BB..As Mount A does not allow abortion when BB is alive, I am sent home by gyne with a medication to help expel the fetus from my body before I am able to come bak to the hospital to clean up.

Gyne is aso unsure of how long the medication will take effect in my body and thus send me home with 3 dosages to spare. Took the 1st dosage at 1pm and the effect kicks in at 3.30pm when I woke up from nap with a beri bad cramp similar to wat I experienced on that fateful sat morning..
I went to toilet immediately to check on my bleeding and found not much but the cramp was getting bad. Then I called my gyne who advises me to go down as there is a distance between my hse and hospital..

Suddenly I can feel blood wanting to flow out,and I rushed to the toilet again..this time more blood flowed out and guess wat,I felt my little bb flowing out of me too,and it's left hanging as there are still vessels attached within me.
But then,hubs was already keeping vigil outside the toilet an rushed in.I didnt noe what to do, with the fetus still hanging there. I started crying on seeing the fetus, its painful enuff to let my BB go even he is still alive, yet he gotta go in this way..I cannot describe the feeling I had, but till today, when I tried to recall, tears would flow out automatically..

Hubs, on the other hand was much more composed, told me to wipe myself clean to break the blood vessel, which I had trouble doing so with my shaking hand, and immediatelt flushed away the fetus..I broke down totally at the sound of flushing..My bb is gone, just like tat..And the we procceed to the hospital for the gyne to clean me up.Luckily we had prepared my bag before hand, and its juz grab and go..

I did not rememebr the details leading up to reaching the hospital, things went by in a daze, all I had in mind are the images of my lost BB being flushed down my house sewage system.Tell me, which mother can withstand this way of losing your still living baby?

When we reached my gyne's clinic, we still had to wait even though I was in serious pain. Guess the gyne tot she can still clear her other patients as the medicine had juz taken effect, wat she didnt noe is in my case, the medication had taken full effect. Many times, we tried telling the nurse that I am in great pain and can feel that my blood are overflowing, yet I am too weak and in pain to walk to the ladies to change my pad or to let the blood flow out..So I sat there bearing both the physical and mental pain.

Hubs and mummy was in no less pain than me, though no suffering the physical pain, they were both tormented by wat I was going thru. Yet, they cannot show me their panic, both tried to remain calm and strong in front of me.. Then suddenly, the I can feel a gush of blood rushing out of my body, overflowing and then next ting I noe, I was over in blood down under, dirtying the place and my dress in the process.

I seriously did not feel much when I saw these, maybe I was still in grieve and cannot react. But hubs and mummy nearly broke down the gyne's door, demanding her immediate attention for me, onli then I was being rushed into her consultation room. Mummy and hubs would later admit, they tot they are losing me aso, for I had no expression on my face even though I was covered in blood.

Gyne did a quick check and clean up for me, pulling out my placenta to make me feel better down under, surprisingly, the pain ease abit when the placenta was removed. I told her I wan a day surgey, preferring to go home after the procedure and she promise to try to arrange for that. With this, I was scheduled for the procedure at 5pm, with half an hr more to go, I was wheeled up to the surgey room..

I was weak by then with the loss of baby and so much blood, but I know I need to assure both hubs and mummy tat I will pull thru this so that they would not be worrying so much outside the surgey room.I made hubs promise that he will go dinner with mummy while I am undergoing the procedure.

As I was wheeled into the theater, I was oredi weak from the pains, nurses were caring enuff to pull another thick blanket to keep me warm while doing the last min checks of my information, the doctor who is adminstrating anesthetic for me, tried to cheer and encourage me. Within seconds I was given the drug, I knocked out.

When I came over later, the whole procedure was done, and I was not able to keep myself awake. Physically I felt like I was being drained out of every single ounce of energy I had, mentally, I was mourning the loss of my BB as I noe he had totally been taken out of my body after 3 1/2 mth stay inside me.

After getting clearance from the nurses, I was discharged to go home to rest..

Its a waiting game

As mine was an emergency case, I was given priority when I reached her clinic, upon an ultrasound and checking of my down under, she confirmed that I was leaking water and the amino water level for my bb is dangerously low.. She did not understand how come KKH did not tell me these when they 1st saw me, and instead allow me to go home.

She suggested immediate admission to the hospital where she would observe my amino water level. By the time hubs parked his car and came up to the clinic, I was crying hard oredi, low animo water, how would my baby survive in me? Gyne told us there is nothing we can do but to wait and see whether the amino water level rises back, else we had to let the baby go. How am I going to accept that I would lose this baby at 3months pregnant?

We asked gyne wat are the chances of being able to keep this baby but she cannot provide us with an ans. With this, I was admitted and send to the ward within 15min with strict orders from the gyne that I should not sit up or get down the bed unless during meals (for sitting) or going for big business ( for getting off the bed).

Urinating will have to be done on the bed with a bedpan. This is how bad my condition is. I was crying all the way to the ward with hubs tearing beside me. As much as I cannot accept this sudden bad news, he is not taking it well either, but I noe he is trying to be calm for the sake of me as I get into panic mode easily.

I called mummy to inform her bout my condition after I was settle into the ward and for the next 3 days, lay on the bed all the while praying for the water level to rise bak. As it was a sat when I was admitted, gyne suggested a scan on monday to assess my situation before we need to make any decision.

I took the gyne's advice seriously and didnt even sit up long for meals. Part of the reason is I am not in the mood to eat, partly is I ate with a faster speed than my usual dilly dally pace..Hubs keep vigil besides me for as long as he could, going home onli after visiting hrs and arriving as early as he could after running errands like picking up mummy or going to his mum's hse to pick up food she prepared for me..

As I lay on bed during times I am alone, I prayed, pray for the safety of my bb, prayed for the water level to come back, prayed that both mother and child can get thru this and come out well...At nights, I cannot fall aslp, not sure whether its due to many naps I took during day times or I am juz anxious about the results..Many times, I fell aslp while praying onli to wake up again after an hr or so and then the whole process repeats itself. Luckily, every bed was equipped with a TV so when I realli cannot slp, I would just watched the Olympics games..

I did not dare to tell hubs or mummy my slpless nights for fear that they worried even more, I didnt even dare to cry in front of them..At nights, I would tear sliently in my bed, worrying for my bb, while on the other hand forcing myself to be positive that BB will pull thru...

Monday morning came, and I got up early to get ready to be pushed down for my scan.The reuslts were still negative although my brave bb is still fighting for his life as his heart is still beating steadily..I broke down, not able to take in this news, we are realli facing the option of letting BB go this time..I begged the gyne to let me consider awhile more, for I cannot bring myself to make this decision while BB is still alive and kicking within me..

Hubs asked gyne wat are the chances of water coming back, she said is rare...However, visually, she tot my level had gone up a little though not eufff..I tot , there might just be a chance, a little chance that the amino water will rises by tomorrow since theres a little increase already..However, we were told, shd by tomorrow, the level had not reached the optimal level, I would need to let BB go as it is harmful to both BB and my body. Again, I was sent back to ward, crying. Tis time, more badly then previously..

Mummy and dad reached shortly, and kept telling me to be strong and listen to gyne's advice to let go of BB. How to? How am I goin to make this decision where I will be killing my little precious 1 though he is alive? How am I going to live with this guilt?

A beri sweet sister (head nurse) came and helped to say some prayers for BB & me, hoping that a miracle will happen when I go in for my final scan tomorrow..I prayed the whole day and during meal times, ate more than usual, deep down I knew the chances are not high and I want to try to let my BB  njoy as much food as he can while he is still within me..Hubs even went out to buy stuff that I craved.

Truth to be told, I know the chances are slim, the few days tat I was under strict bed rest, I was bleeding still, though not as heavy as the 1st day, but the bleeding neber stop.But how can I give up when my Bb has not given up his life?

Events leading up to my hospitalization...

I lost my baby at 14wks 2days on Tuesday.. Events leading up to the lost, went past with a blur. It all started with the cramp on early sat morning at 6am, followed by the burst of my water bag (which I dun even noe) and heavy bleeding.. Immediately we rushed to KKH A&E as my private gyne opens at 9am..

At KKH, I was attended by a medical officer meaning to say junior doctor who dun even noe how to handle me..She looked at me blankly for 5s and proceeds to ask questions with long pauses in between as if she dunno or is thinking hard on wat to ask me.. And she keep flipping to the previous records to "copy" the answers to all the fields of the required report they had to fill in while diagnosing patients.

Later she used a microphone like equipment to try to listen to my bb's heartbeat, and had a hard time locating it. It was after much trying den she admitted tat at 13wks, its not realli possible to listen to the heart beat using that useless equipment. I was beri angry, I mean if u noe its pointless, why waste time to do this stupid listening while u can immediately get me to do an ultrasound??

Then she called her senior had asked her wat to do with me, I nearly fainted on the spot having met this noob. Her senior then advised her to ask me to wait for her return where I will be given an ultrasound scan. So I waited for nearly half an hr though they said 15min. All this while, when lying on the bed, hundreds of tots raced thru my mind. Will my bb be ok? Is there still heartbeat? Why did I bled so much suddenly? Is the cramp this morning a sign of miscarriage?

The senior doctor finally came bak to perfrom the scan on me, assuring me that bb's still alive and proceed to send me home with some hormone mediations and a jab. I asked her on whether why I am still facing this problem in my 2nd trimester and is there any thing I can do to prevent it, she juz told me no, and advise me to rest, not to carry heavy things. She did not even provide an mc for the next work wk.

We then went for breakie and after tat wanted to go hm and rest as per doc's instruction. But as I was walking to the carpark, I can feel a gush of blood flowing out, alarmed, I decided to go to the ladies to check..I nearly fainted inside, when I tried to urinate. Blood was flowing out freely and a BIG chunk of blood vessel came falling out. Imagine my shock when I see these. Here I am 3mths pregnant, with such heavy bleeding, yet the docs released me to go home and ask me to follow up with my gyne.

I called my gyne immediately and she told me to go to her clinic so that she can see my current situation.