On the morning of D-day I woke up at 4am, praying all the while with hands on my tummy, telling BB to stay with me and hold on..I prayed for the amino water level to come bak and the lack of water during the past few days had not do harm to my BB..There are so many things I prayed that in a blink of eyes, its time to go down for the scan..Mummy had come along to give me support.
I promised her and hubs tat shd the results be negative, I woud heed the gyne's advice and will not harm myself . Words cannot decribe my feelings as I await for the scan, its like waiting for a verdict to be passed.
Things are just not meant to be when the scan shows that water level is still low, gyne needs us to decide on the spot the next course of action, whether to continue waiting (not recommended) or to proceed with an abortion. As I said to her " I will follow your advice to let go", I felt myself letting go of myself.
Though I noe this is the best decision for both BB and me, I cannot help but felt gulity towards giving up BB..As Mount A does not allow abortion when BB is alive, I am sent home by gyne with a medication to help expel the fetus from my body before I am able to come bak to the hospital to clean up.
Gyne is aso unsure of how long the medication will take effect in my body and thus send me home with 3 dosages to spare. Took the 1st dosage at 1pm and the effect kicks in at 3.30pm when I woke up from nap with a beri bad cramp similar to wat I experienced on that fateful sat morning..
I went to toilet immediately to check on my bleeding and found not much but the cramp was getting bad. Then I called my gyne who advises me to go down as there is a distance between my hse and hospital..
Suddenly I can feel blood wanting to flow out,and I rushed to the toilet again..this time more blood flowed out and guess wat,I felt my little bb flowing out of me too,and it's left hanging as there are still vessels attached within me.
But then,hubs was already keeping vigil outside the toilet an rushed in.I didnt noe what to do, with the fetus still hanging there. I started crying on seeing the fetus, its painful enuff to let my BB go even he is still alive, yet he gotta go in this way..I cannot describe the feeling I had, but till today, when I tried to recall, tears would flow out automatically..
Hubs, on the other hand was much more composed, told me to wipe myself clean to break the blood vessel, which I had trouble doing so with my shaking hand, and immediatelt flushed away the fetus..I broke down totally at the sound of flushing..My bb is gone, just like tat..And the we procceed to the hospital for the gyne to clean me up.Luckily we had prepared my bag before hand, and its juz grab and go..
I did not rememebr the details leading up to reaching the hospital, things went by in a daze, all I had in mind are the images of my lost BB being flushed down my house sewage system.Tell me, which mother can withstand this way of losing your still living baby?
When we reached my gyne's clinic, we still had to wait even though I was in serious pain. Guess the gyne tot she can still clear her other patients as the medicine had juz taken effect, wat she didnt noe is in my case, the medication had taken full effect. Many times, we tried telling the nurse that I am in great pain and can feel that my blood are overflowing, yet I am too weak and in pain to walk to the ladies to change my pad or to let the blood flow out..So I sat there bearing both the physical and mental pain.
Hubs and mummy was in no less pain than me, though no suffering the physical pain, they were both tormented by wat I was going thru. Yet, they cannot show me their panic, both tried to remain calm and strong in front of me.. Then suddenly, the I can feel a gush of blood rushing out of my body, overflowing and then next ting I noe, I was over in blood down under, dirtying the place and my dress in the process.
I seriously did not feel much when I saw these, maybe I was still in grieve and cannot react. But hubs and mummy nearly broke down the gyne's door, demanding her immediate attention for me, onli then I was being rushed into her consultation room. Mummy and hubs would later admit, they tot they are losing me aso, for I had no expression on my face even though I was covered in blood.
Gyne did a quick check and clean up for me, pulling out my placenta to make me feel better down under, surprisingly, the pain ease abit when the placenta was removed. I told her I wan a day surgey, preferring to go home after the procedure and she promise to try to arrange for that. With this, I was scheduled for the procedure at 5pm, with half an hr more to go, I was wheeled up to the surgey room..
I was weak by then with the loss of baby and so much blood, but I know I need to assure both hubs and mummy tat I will pull thru this so that they would not be worrying so much outside the surgey room.I made hubs promise that he will go dinner with mummy while I am undergoing the procedure.
As I was wheeled into the theater, I was oredi weak from the pains, nurses were caring enuff to pull another thick blanket to keep me warm while doing the last min checks of my information, the doctor who is adminstrating anesthetic for me, tried to cheer and encourage me. Within seconds I was given the drug, I knocked out.
When I came over later, the whole procedure was done, and I was not able to keep myself awake. Physically I felt like I was being drained out of every single ounce of energy I had, mentally, I was mourning the loss of my BB as I noe he had totally been taken out of my body after 3 1/2 mth stay inside me.
After getting clearance from the nurses, I was discharged to go home to rest..
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