Its a waiting game

As mine was an emergency case, I was given priority when I reached her clinic, upon an ultrasound and checking of my down under, she confirmed that I was leaking water and the amino water level for my bb is dangerously low.. She did not understand how come KKH did not tell me these when they 1st saw me, and instead allow me to go home.

She suggested immediate admission to the hospital where she would observe my amino water level. By the time hubs parked his car and came up to the clinic, I was crying hard oredi, low animo water, how would my baby survive in me? Gyne told us there is nothing we can do but to wait and see whether the amino water level rises back, else we had to let the baby go. How am I going to accept that I would lose this baby at 3months pregnant?

We asked gyne wat are the chances of being able to keep this baby but she cannot provide us with an ans. With this, I was admitted and send to the ward within 15min with strict orders from the gyne that I should not sit up or get down the bed unless during meals (for sitting) or going for big business ( for getting off the bed).

Urinating will have to be done on the bed with a bedpan. This is how bad my condition is. I was crying all the way to the ward with hubs tearing beside me. As much as I cannot accept this sudden bad news, he is not taking it well either, but I noe he is trying to be calm for the sake of me as I get into panic mode easily.

I called mummy to inform her bout my condition after I was settle into the ward and for the next 3 days, lay on the bed all the while praying for the water level to rise bak. As it was a sat when I was admitted, gyne suggested a scan on monday to assess my situation before we need to make any decision.

I took the gyne's advice seriously and didnt even sit up long for meals. Part of the reason is I am not in the mood to eat, partly is I ate with a faster speed than my usual dilly dally pace..Hubs keep vigil besides me for as long as he could, going home onli after visiting hrs and arriving as early as he could after running errands like picking up mummy or going to his mum's hse to pick up food she prepared for me..

As I lay on bed during times I am alone, I prayed, pray for the safety of my bb, prayed for the water level to come back, prayed that both mother and child can get thru this and come out well...At nights, I cannot fall aslp, not sure whether its due to many naps I took during day times or I am juz anxious about the results..Many times, I fell aslp while praying onli to wake up again after an hr or so and then the whole process repeats itself. Luckily, every bed was equipped with a TV so when I realli cannot slp, I would just watched the Olympics games..

I did not dare to tell hubs or mummy my slpless nights for fear that they worried even more, I didnt even dare to cry in front of them..At nights, I would tear sliently in my bed, worrying for my bb, while on the other hand forcing myself to be positive that BB will pull thru...

Monday morning came, and I got up early to get ready to be pushed down for my scan.The reuslts were still negative although my brave bb is still fighting for his life as his heart is still beating steadily..I broke down, not able to take in this news, we are realli facing the option of letting BB go this time..I begged the gyne to let me consider awhile more, for I cannot bring myself to make this decision while BB is still alive and kicking within me..

Hubs asked gyne wat are the chances of water coming back, she said is rare...However, visually, she tot my level had gone up a little though not eufff..I tot , there might just be a chance, a little chance that the amino water will rises by tomorrow since theres a little increase already..However, we were told, shd by tomorrow, the level had not reached the optimal level, I would need to let BB go as it is harmful to both BB and my body. Again, I was sent back to ward, crying. Tis time, more badly then previously..

Mummy and dad reached shortly, and kept telling me to be strong and listen to gyne's advice to let go of BB. How to? How am I goin to make this decision where I will be killing my little precious 1 though he is alive? How am I going to live with this guilt?

A beri sweet sister (head nurse) came and helped to say some prayers for BB & me, hoping that a miracle will happen when I go in for my final scan tomorrow..I prayed the whole day and during meal times, ate more than usual, deep down I knew the chances are not high and I want to try to let my BB  njoy as much food as he can while he is still within me..Hubs even went out to buy stuff that I craved.

Truth to be told, I know the chances are slim, the few days tat I was under strict bed rest, I was bleeding still, though not as heavy as the 1st day, but the bleeding neber stop.But how can I give up when my Bb has not given up his life?